Procrastination 101

I wrote this in 1989 when I was still relatively new at the bank. It's nice to know I haven't changed much over the years. 






Procrastination 101

Nontraditional Interdepartmental Training Program

You have been nominated for this pilot program designed to teach the finer aspects of the lesser known skills needed to succeed in the business world. The following modules will be covered in this 5 day course.

A)    Why do it now? : A history of procrastination through the ages.

1.      What is procrastination?

2.      Famous procrastinators of this century.

B)    Procrastination Excellence

1.      Seven basic steps of procrastination.

2.      Putting off 6 of the 7 procrastination steps.

3.      Looking good without really doing anything!

4.      Accomplishing nothing and doing it well!

C)    The Essentials of Procrastination:

An in-depth look at how and why procrastination is crucial to the business world.

D)    The Procrastination Reflex:

1.      Learn techniques for exceptional and creative procrastination.

2.      Examine the responses that can be achieved by a truly gifted procrastinator.

This program is to be monitored closely by some of upper management’s best procrastinators. When they get around to it; they will be evaluating:

A)    Content of the class material ( if there is any)

B)    Presentation of material (assuming we get that far)

C)    Class participation (for those who actually show up)

D)    Instructors technical skills (as if we care)

If this pilot program is rated as successful there will be a series of non-traditional training programs to follow, covering such topics as:

A)    Belligerent Delegating

B)    Toxic Project Dumping

C)    Intro to Spontaneous Management

D)    Developing Damning Documentation

E)     Provocative Presentations

F)     Creative Corporate Composts

Those of you who do not get around to attending the class will automatically be designated as graduates of the class. For those special few who actually offer a creative lie as an excuse for not attending the class, you will automatically be enrolled in our graduate course entitled “Be Vague or Shut-up” (formally known as “Lying to Save Your Butt”). These individuals will also be expected to teach the next Procrastination 101 course.

In the event that any of you do attend this class, you will of course flunk the course and be assigned closet security duty for the next month.

This piece was originally written on March 22, 1989 and sent to my supervisor and a supervisor of a department we worked closely with in the bank. I wrote it in response to yet another request (from my supervisor) for me to complete a task that was not in my job description; something that was happening so often that it was difficult to see exactly how my supervisor was actually employed unless of course his job was simply to see how high I could jump.

My supervisor was not amused and simply asked me when I was going to have that task finished. 
The supervisor from the other department signed up for my class.