A typical morning during the week can often go something like this:
Wake in the morning repeatedly hitting the snooze alarm until hand hurts. Lay in bed slowly opening eyes. Waiting for brain fog to clear.
Get out of bed and stretch. Take mental inventory of everything that hurts. Note things that hurt today that never hurt before. Wonder briefly what will hurt tomorrow.
Head to bathroom for shower; say good morning to the hamster. (The hamster is banned to the bathroom when he’s too loud at night.)
Sit on toilet while talking nonsense baby talk to hamster….do my business. When finished, stub toe on cabinet, swear out loud. Apologize to hamster. Get in shower.
Water is too cold; gasp out loud. Get soap in my eye. Blast water into face; choke and cough. Listen to hamster laughing.
Towel dry and brush hair; add hair gel to hair. Put in contacts. Head back to bedroom.
Watch news while putting on work clothes. Talk out loud to news people on television. Feel fat. Look in full length mirror; feel even fatter.
Change clothes 3 more times; give up. Eye still hurts. Tell weatherman his forecast is crazy. Realize he can’t hear you…repeat again anyway in softer voice.
Work out briefly on Total Gym. Hurt new muscle area due to not enough stretching done; swear again. Listen to hamster laughing again. Limp downstairs.
Pack knapsack for work. Prepare dog food. Take dogs out to pee…limping.
Tell dogs to pee seventeen times….tell them 3 more times. Bring dogs back in house after peeing. Take off leashes and tell them they can maul each other in the living room. This is how they play.
Listen to dogs maul each other in living room while finishing dog food prep. Feed dogs. Take dogs back outside to poop. Tell dogs to poop/potty seventeen times….tell them 3 more times. Praise dogs for finally pooping. Limp back inside.
Let dogs maul each other in living room again. Hobble upstairs to put on makeup and finish hair.
Use curling iron to bend hair in opposite direction. Get frustrated with hair; make empty threats in mirror to shave complete head. Give up.
Use magnified hand mirror to put on makeup. See tiny lines on face as huge ruts. Feel old.
Finish makeup. Convince self that badly twisted frizzy hair is sexy and all the rage. Give laughing hamster warning look.
Brush teeth. Note teeth could use whitening. Remember whitening causes screaming while drinking cold water. Decide to get whitening strips on the way home anyway…the pain is worth it.
Notice sagging skin around neck area. Wonder briefly if neck skin will ever reach the shoulders. Make mental note to buy more turtleneck sweaters. Rinse and spit.
Return to bedroom. Pick up clothes previously tried on and thrown on floor. Glance in mirror again. Cover mirror with discarded clothes. Feel better.
Climb on Total Gym again. Do more exercise. Pull a muscle in the back. Complain bitterly out loud to no one that this isn’t fair and hobble downstairs bent forward.
Put dogs back in pens. Clean up toys they murdered while mauling each other in the living room. Leave chew toys in pens for dogs. Tell them to be good. See dogs eye each other and grin knowingly.
Swing knapsack on back…causing back pain. Swear again. Decide to carry knapsack in hand. Put pocketbook on shoulder. Limp bent over to door. Lock door on way out. Notice jacket caught in door. Fix this. Is that the dogs laughing?
Hobble to garage like hunchback. Put knapsack and pocketbook in car. Try to sit in car. Do this gingerly. Listen for laughing neighbors. Start car.
Wait forever for car engine to heat up. Car is old. Turn on radio. Listen to idiots on radio while watching the clock. Try pulling car out of garage.
Car stalls. Swear again. Wonder briefly if other hunchbacks usually swear so much.
Start car. Let fully heat up this time. Use waiting time to dig knuckles into back muscles trying to ease pain. Start to sweat.
Drive to work. Change radio station constantly. Try to find comfortable position for back while driving. Fail at this. Drive rest of the way hunched forward and tilted slightly to the right trying to look ‘casual‘ to other drivers passing by.
Park car in side parking lot to avoid overly tight parking spaces in main lot. Give self smug look in overhead mirror because large parking space has been secured.
Pick up knapsack and pocketbook. Edge gingerly out of car to avoid pain. Fail at this. Swear softly and grit teeth. Resolve to try to swear less.
Teeth gritting is mistaken for morning smile by co-worker. Co-worker is a morning person. Co-worker gives cheerful hello with a big smile and wave.
Present fake happy morning face; force a smile and wave. Walk slowly to side entrance…softly cursing happy morning co-worker.
Enter building slowly. Door closes too fast bumping into back. Jump forward and yelp in pain. Happy co-worker thinks it’s singing so bursts into song herself. Fake happy face becomes look of horror on my face.
Hobble quickly and awkwardly to elevator. Happy co-worker coming up fast. Dodge her by stepping into first floor ladies room.
Step into stall. Accidentally knock spare toilet paper roll to floor. Watch it roll across the floor out of sight. Sigh with frustration. Use other roll.
Peek out door to make sure happy co-worker is gone. Clear up toilet paper on floor. Sneak to elevator quietly.
Reach office /settle in/make a cup of tea/sign on to computer. Emit small scream and spill tea when happy co-worker springs around the corner singing another song.
Tell happy co-worker you don’t feel well. You think you have the plague…feel very contagious. Cough and do gagging sounds to convince happy co-worker. She leaves. Smile at computer screen. Hamster would be proud of you.
Laugh like hamster.
